Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Jan 14, 2009 3:16:00 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Jan 14, 2009 3:16:00 GMT -5
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modre
Tiger Cub
Posts: 43
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JOKES!
Jan 16, 2009 4:54:25 GMT -5
Post by modre on Jan 16, 2009 4:54:25 GMT -5
I apologize in advance.
an adult man and a 10yo were walking in the woods after dark and the kid says "I'm scared"
the man says, "how do you think I feel, I have to walk out of here by myself later"
------------- you know the best thing about taking a shower with a 12yo girl?
you can slick her wet hair back and make her look 10 -------------
know how to make a 7yo girl cry twice?
wipe your dick off on her teddy bear. ------------------
what's the difference between a Cadillac and a garage full of dead babies?
I sold the Caddy
--------------- how many Ethiopians can you fit into a phone booth?
A. all of them.
-------------------
an Ethiopian fell into the alligator pond at the zoo...by the time they got him out he had eaten 3 of them.
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Jan 16, 2009 5:16:15 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Jan 16, 2009 5:16:15 GMT -5
Announcement late tonight that Pedigree Chum, the dog food manufacturers have gone into voluntary liquidation.
Management said they had no option but to call in the "retrievers"
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Jan 16, 2009 8:22:36 GMT -5
Post by Greyplague on Jan 16, 2009 8:22:36 GMT -5
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Jan 16, 2009 9:26:32 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Jan 16, 2009 9:26:32 GMT -5
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well....'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'
(Touch tones......ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
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Jan 16, 2009 13:05:33 GMT -5
Post by drharveys on Jan 16, 2009 13:05:33 GMT -5
OK, so did they get the trip??
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Jan 16, 2009 16:07:44 GMT -5
Post by Stagger Lee on Jan 16, 2009 16:07:44 GMT -5
OK, so did they get the trip?? seeing as their is no Fox fm radio station in Sydney .... But good story none the less
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Dutch1976
441 Victor
I dig motorcycles and all types of ill sh*t
Posts: 106
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JOKES!
Jan 16, 2009 16:27:30 GMT -5
Post by Dutch1976 on Jan 16, 2009 16:27:30 GMT -5
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JOKES!
Jan 17, 2009 1:16:56 GMT -5
Post by Greyplague on Jan 17, 2009 1:16:56 GMT -5
Just as real as it happened in Belgium - for those who speak dutch: the same questions asked, no price won- she answered "up my arse" too. nl.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFXCfsewIw ::)Thieu
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Jan 18, 2009 14:31:21 GMT -5
Post by Greyplague on Jan 18, 2009 14:31:21 GMT -5
On the origin of species:evolution means survival of the fittest. Breathe in...breathe out... Look hard at this pic for 5 seconds... Thieu
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haggis95
Gold Star
I ain't no stinkin' moderator!
Ride on!
Posts: 991
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JOKES!
Jan 19, 2009 19:51:12 GMT -5
Post by haggis95 on Jan 19, 2009 19:51:12 GMT -5
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?'
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
Damn, she doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.
He leaned towards her again 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: 'Smooth as Silk.'
This time the woman turned on him,
'What the f*&k do you want?'
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said,
'Ahhhhh, Air Canada.
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Jimi X
441 Victor
re-entry
Posts: 191
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JOKES!
Jan 20, 2009 22:13:35 GMT -5
Post by Jimi X on Jan 20, 2009 22:13:35 GMT -5
Hey, OS, Is this what what makes you Auzzies so tough??
The devil made me do it. Musta been that "devils advocate" stuff you have been posting. ;D
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Jan 22, 2009 11:00:12 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Jan 22, 2009 11:00:12 GMT -5
Paddy, a contrary shopkeeper, was behind the counter one day when a busty blonde wearing a mini skirt came in.
She bent down at the paper stand, and Paddy noticed she had no knickers on.
Sexually aroused, Paddy ran to the till and was just finished relieving himself when a little old lady came in.
" Paddy", she said, "youre smiling for once in your life"
Says he
"Ah Jaysus Margaret.............
I'm just after coming into a bit of money!!!"
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Jan 22, 2009 12:11:12 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Jan 22, 2009 12:11:12 GMT -5
Tale of the Irish Sausage.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a Plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the bloody sausage in the third pub! ;D
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Jan 22, 2009 15:19:18 GMT -5
Post by 1759AG on Jan 22, 2009 15:19:18 GMT -5
Here is the answer to a question that has plagued mankind ever since he had to pick an apple from a tree. DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB !!!! HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS. THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE " SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS." THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER." THE FOREMAN IS IMPRE SSED !!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD . HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS. "THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET." THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY , HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!! ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD , AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, " AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE ?" BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST." THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, " SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE !!" THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE ?" WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE , HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK. HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS. THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE ?" THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, " CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!" HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
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