BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Aug 25, 2008 23:39:16 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Aug 25, 2008 23:39:16 GMT -5
Ok,I'll get this started:
A small,isolated wild animal park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla,a female,had become very agitated, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Meat, a part-time biker intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Meat, like most Harley riders, had little sense, but one thing he did have was the ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.Meat was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.? Meat showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Meat announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. * * * * "Well," said Meat, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
;D BR
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road dog
Bantam
Good ridin in Texas
Posts: 8
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JOKES!
Sept 3, 2008 18:12:57 GMT -5
Post by road dog on Sept 3, 2008 18:12:57 GMT -5
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Sept 3, 2008 19:28:05 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Sept 3, 2008 19:28:05 GMT -5
Ouch Dog! I just had to smite you for that one! ;D
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Sept 15, 2008 2:06:44 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Sept 15, 2008 2:06:44 GMT -5
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch,old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register. In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The sexy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is sexy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
(My sister is always sending me shit like this)
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johnnybad
Tiger Cub
South Texas Devils
Posts: 56
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JOKES!
Sept 19, 2008 21:12:56 GMT -5
Post by johnnybad on Sept 19, 2008 21:12:56 GMT -5
Little Johnny's birthday is coming up. He says to his father, "Dad. I want a bicycle for my birthday."
His dad say, "Son I am sorry. You see this house cost us $90,000 and your mom just lost her job. We just can't afford a bicycle right now."
The next day the father sees little Johnny walking out the door with a packed suitcase. He says, "Johnny where are you going?"
Johnny says, "Well last night I heard you tell mommy you were pulling out. Then I heard her say for you to wait because she was coming too."
Then Johnny says, "Heck I ain't staying here with a $90,000 mortgage and no transportation. I'm outta here."
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Oct 13, 2008 23:58:03 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Oct 13, 2008 23:58:03 GMT -5
Saw two blonds run into a building today.
You'd think one of them would've seen it!
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Oct 16, 2008 12:44:17 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Oct 16, 2008 12:44:17 GMT -5
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass..
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
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JOKES!
Oct 16, 2008 13:19:20 GMT -5
Post by ventura on Oct 16, 2008 13:19:20 GMT -5
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife
Whilst I am very happy with you, and value you as a good wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at The Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband
I received your letter and I'd like to thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college, so I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students. He is the assistant tennis coach, and he is also young, virile,and, like your secretary, 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference................
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Oct 16, 2008 23:57:48 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Oct 16, 2008 23:57:48 GMT -5
Keep 'em comin'! Yer crackin' me up!
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Oct 17, 2008 14:24:41 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Oct 17, 2008 14:24:41 GMT -5
Politically Correct!
A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t!
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Oct 17, 2008 14:27:52 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Oct 17, 2008 14:27:52 GMT -5
Winter.
IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN NORTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.
SINCE HE WAS CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.
NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.
BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, HE GOT AN IDEA, HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, 'IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?'
'IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD', HE WAS TOLD.
THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.
A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. 'DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE ITS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?' 'YES ', WAS THE REPLY, 'ITS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER'.
THE CHIEF RETURNED TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVERY LAST SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.
TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN AND ASKED, 'ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?'
'CERTAINLY, IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKELY THAT IT WILL BE ONE OF THE COLDEST ON RECORD' 'HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?' ASKED THE CHIEF.
THE WEATHERMAN SAID...... 'THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING WOOD LIKE CRAZY' !
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Oct 17, 2008 18:15:48 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Oct 17, 2008 18:15:48 GMT -5
In keeping with the Indian theme......
A tiny,peaceful Indian tribe,led by their ancient patriarch,Chief Bowels,was in the way of progress.The railroad needed a right of way through their land,but the chief wouldn't budge.Many railroad agents had tried to persuade them to move,and many had failed.
After yet another offer by the railroad for his land,the stubborn Chief Bowels decided to make his position clear.He strode into the railroad office,stomped his foot,and declared "Bowels no move!"
Unfortunately,the nearsighted old chief had inadvertently walked into a doctors office,rather than the railroad office.
The good doctor,thinking the poor man in distress,decided a laxative was in order.He mixed up a potion,handed it to the chief,and said"Drink a cup of this everyday for a week.If nothing has changed,come back and see me then"
The old Indian,always delighted to sample anything in a white mans bottle,grabbed it and stomped away.
A week later,the doctor looked up to see the chief once again standing in his office.Once again,the chief stomped his foot,and declared "Bowels no move!" This time he added "Fire water no good"
Now concerned,the doctor mixed up his most powerful laxative,handed it to the old man,and said "If this doesn't do the trick,come and see me in another week"
Chief Bowels,looking somewhat dubious,took the bottle,and stalked out.
The next week,the doctor was surprised to see a somewhat agitated looking Chief Bowels again in his office."What's the matter?" he inquired of the old man.
"Bowels move now"said the Indian, . . . . . . . . . . "TeePee fulla Shit!"
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Oct 21, 2008 15:14:30 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Oct 21, 2008 15:14:30 GMT -5
Little Barry
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Oct 27, 2008 12:08:00 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Oct 27, 2008 12:08:00 GMT -5
Sunday morning sex!
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Nov 7, 2008 14:06:54 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Nov 7, 2008 14:06:54 GMT -5
The Seven Dwarfs.
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope... Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, thereare no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
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