gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Dec 24, 2008 3:18:35 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Dec 24, 2008 3:18:35 GMT -5
Brilliant, I've just sent it to my sister-in-law in Leeds to show her yorky mates!
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Dec 27, 2008 23:35:11 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Dec 27, 2008 23:35:11 GMT -5
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1 /2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.=2 0I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore' From Kingman , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectuall y challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the compa ny due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
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Dec 28, 2008 7:18:27 GMT -5
Post by UraniumC on Dec 28, 2008 7:18:27 GMT -5
"IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.=2 0I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's."
Sound like confusing the clerks at McD's is very profitable!
"IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'"
"Not to my knowledge."
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Dec 31, 2008 2:36:08 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Dec 31, 2008 2:36:08 GMT -5
The best, best friend.
Who is really mans best friend; the spouse or the dog?
Try this experiment. Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk look to see who is really happy to see you.
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Dec 31, 2008 12:01:13 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Dec 31, 2008 12:01:13 GMT -5
Thanks for that, now I have to make my own dinner!
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Dec 31, 2008 14:57:20 GMT -5
Post by UraniumC on Dec 31, 2008 14:57:20 GMT -5
Yeah, but you can't have sex with your dog. Right? You guys do know that, right?
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Dec 31, 2008 14:59:55 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Dec 31, 2008 14:59:55 GMT -5
Of course we know that, that's why they call us Cumbrians 'Sheep Shaggers'!
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Dec 31, 2008 15:52:30 GMT -5
Post by UraniumC on Dec 31, 2008 15:52:30 GMT -5
so Cumbrian dogs are happy and the sheep are nervous....
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Jan 2, 2009 21:46:44 GMT -5
Post by propforward on Jan 2, 2009 21:46:44 GMT -5
So. A young wife is very upset - she is not getting pregnant. She's giving the old man the works, the brick under the foot of the bed, jumping off the top of the wardrobe and all that, and in the end her doctor admits that "it's artificial insemination or nothing".
So she goes through the motions, you know, fills in the forms, does the pre visits and the exams, is poked and prodded and manipulated, and after that load of embarrasment the big day arrives, and she's off to the clinic for the "dose".
She chats with the doctor a bit, and he's nice and friendly, and after all the patter, has her on the bench and in the stirrups.
Off he trots through the door to the refrigerator room, and she's laying there, lsitening and waiting.
All of a sudden she hears an almighty crash, and a series of oaths, along the lines of "that's knackered it!"
A short while later, the doctor appears again, apologetic but beaming smiles.
"I'm terribly sorry madam, that was the last tube of sperm, would you like draft?"
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Jan 9, 2009 6:01:08 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Jan 9, 2009 6:01:08 GMT -5
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson goes completely nuts, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Jan 9, 2009 10:01:50 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Jan 9, 2009 10:01:50 GMT -5
1000 men were asked in a survey what they Most Enjoyed about recieving a blow job!!!
98 per cent all agreed
.........the f**ckin silence'
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Jan 9, 2009 11:23:35 GMT -5
Post by drharveys on Jan 9, 2009 11:23:35 GMT -5
Noddy That Mandela joke was so bad...
"How bad was it?"
It was so bad that I had to pass it on to my Aunt Bernice!
Thanks for a good one!
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Jan 10, 2009 19:30:50 GMT -5
Post by rmak on Jan 10, 2009 19:30:50 GMT -5
How The Fight Started
My wife and I are watching /Who Wants To Be A Millionaire/ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." * And then the fight started....*
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the & counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too' * And then the fight started..... *
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. T he wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' * And that's how the fight started ...*
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking Right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she Hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' * And then the fight started..... *
****
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out Of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' * And then the fight started..... *
**** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'* And then the fight started.....*
**** A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'* And then the fight started..... *
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Jan 11, 2009 0:25:42 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Jan 11, 2009 0:25:42 GMT -5
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Dutch1976
441 Victor
I dig motorcycles and all types of ill sh*t
Posts: 106
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JOKES!
Jan 13, 2009 21:22:49 GMT -5
Post by Dutch1976 on Jan 13, 2009 21:22:49 GMT -5
Q. What do gay horses eat???
A. Haaaaayyyyy!!
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