Dutch1976
441 Victor
I dig motorcycles and all types of ill sh*t
Posts: 106
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JOKES!
Dec 5, 2008 14:53:30 GMT -5
Post by Dutch1976 on Dec 5, 2008 14:53:30 GMT -5
A man goes to his doctor for an exam
and the Dr. says "Sir, you have got to stop masterbating!"
The man says "Why?"
And the Dr. says "So that I can examine you!"
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JOKES!
Dec 10, 2008 2:04:06 GMT -5
Post by sweatmachine on Dec 10, 2008 2:04:06 GMT -5
A man came home from work, busted through the door, ran to the couch and started yelling "Honey get me a beer quick! It's about to start! Quick, Honey, Beer!"
His wife looked at him funny but grabbed him the beer anyway.
He slammed the beer in 2 seconds flat and said "Honey, get me another beer, hurry honey, another beer quick! It's about to start!"
So she brought him another beer, which he slammed as quickly as the first.
While he was wiping the foam from his mouth his wife said "all you do is come home from work, plant your ass on the couch and drink beer, I'm sick of this shit!"
Then the husband said "Ahhh....it started..."
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haggis95
Gold Star
I ain't no stinkin' moderator!
Ride on!
Posts: 991
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JOKES!
Dec 14, 2008 2:54:22 GMT -5
Post by haggis95 on Dec 14, 2008 2:54:22 GMT -5
An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".
An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.
A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna f*** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off" ;D
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Dec 15, 2008 7:13:06 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Dec 15, 2008 7:13:06 GMT -5
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Dec 15, 2008 8:15:58 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Dec 15, 2008 8:15:58 GMT -5
Very funny Noddy, I bet they still didn't change course though.
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Dec 15, 2008 9:49:41 GMT -5
Post by scctrim on Dec 15, 2008 9:49:41 GMT -5
How to wash the toilet....
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
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Dec 15, 2008 10:15:45 GMT -5
Post by sweatmachine on Dec 15, 2008 10:15:45 GMT -5
Trim that is hilarious!
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JOKES!
Dec 15, 2008 10:27:17 GMT -5
Post by ventura on Dec 15, 2008 10:27:17 GMT -5
Excellent!! ;D
I've just sent that one to my mother-in-law.
She loves cats!!
V.
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Jimi X
441 Victor
re-entry
Posts: 191
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JOKES!
Dec 15, 2008 18:27:01 GMT -5
Post by Jimi X on Dec 15, 2008 18:27:01 GMT -5
A man checks into a hotel and says to the clerk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "It's just regular porn,...You sick bastard!"
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Dec 18, 2008 17:05:23 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Dec 18, 2008 17:05:23 GMT -5
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature ?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.
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noddy
Manx
[red]All Blarney-All the time![/red]
can't afford an avatar
Posts: 1,211
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JOKES!
Dec 19, 2008 9:12:23 GMT -5
Post by noddy on Dec 19, 2008 9:12:23 GMT -5
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get freckin my E-mail?"
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gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Dec 19, 2008 15:00:22 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Dec 19, 2008 15:00:22 GMT -5
Sorry to the Irish lads in advance!
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' ;D
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Dec 19, 2008 15:04:32 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Dec 19, 2008 15:04:32 GMT -5
LOL
I'm gonna copy and paste that - thanks!
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Mats
441 Victor
Posts: 177
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JOKES!
Dec 19, 2008 15:10:44 GMT -5
Post by Mats on Dec 19, 2008 15:10:44 GMT -5
I'm LOL'ing so much I'd farkin break my fingers if I'd been sign lauguaging!!!
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Dec 20, 2008 15:55:47 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Dec 20, 2008 15:55:47 GMT -5
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
Jeez, are you thick?
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