gumpt1oo
Manx
For England and St George!
Posts: 1,318
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JOKES!
Nov 13, 2008 14:10:19 GMT -5
Post by gumpt1oo on Nov 13, 2008 14:10:19 GMT -5
An old one to make you smile A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the fullhouse and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Nov 14, 2008 15:17:20 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Nov 14, 2008 15:17:20 GMT -5
Dog Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite! 11:00 am - Went to the vet. Bummer. 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite! Cat Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for these rations perfectly clear, I never-the-less must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
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JOKES!
Nov 14, 2008 17:00:43 GMT -5
Post by UraniumC on Nov 14, 2008 17:00:43 GMT -5
that's classic, Lakes. ;DOriginal?
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Nov 14, 2008 17:11:03 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Nov 14, 2008 17:11:03 GMT -5
Unfortunately not.
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JOKES!
Nov 23, 2008 15:17:31 GMT -5
Post by Greyplague on Nov 23, 2008 15:17:31 GMT -5
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JBG
Gold Star
Unmasked!
Set phasers to FUN!!
Posts: 799
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JOKES!
Nov 27, 2008 12:21:52 GMT -5
Post by JBG on Nov 27, 2008 12:21:52 GMT -5
Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag." Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?" "Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad. "Oh, okay," said Johnny. The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said. "Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny. "Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father. Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells. "Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny. "That's just another word for cooking the turkey." "Oh, I get it," said Johnny. All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside. "Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady. "Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."
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Jimi X
441 Victor
re-entry
Posts: 191
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JOKES!
Nov 29, 2008 23:26:18 GMT -5
Post by Jimi X on Nov 29, 2008 23:26:18 GMT -5
A well tattooed biker walks into a bar and sits down next to an attractive blond. After ordering a drink he notices the girl looking at his tattoos.
He says: "Do my tattoos bother you?"
"No!" she says "As a matter of fact I have 2 tattoos myself"
He can't see any tattoos on the girl, so he asks where they are and what they are.
"I have two sea shell tatoos,"...she says "one on the inside of each thigh! If you put your left ear on the right sea shell, and your right ear on the left sea shell,.... You can smell the ocean!"
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BluesRider
H.M.F.I.C.
A.K.A. CommandoRoadster Livin' the dream........
Posts: 2,765
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JOKES!
Nov 30, 2008 0:43:02 GMT -5
Post by BluesRider on Nov 30, 2008 0:43:02 GMT -5
Ah, jeez! ;D
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Nov 30, 2008 11:45:24 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Nov 30, 2008 11:45:24 GMT -5
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Jimi X
441 Victor
re-entry
Posts: 191
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JOKES!
Nov 30, 2008 12:00:36 GMT -5
Post by Jimi X on Nov 30, 2008 12:00:36 GMT -5
An 86 year old man goes to the doctor for his checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the old man says,
"Great, I've never felt better!"
"I've got a 30 year old bride that is pregnant with my child!"
"So,...What do you think of that, Doc ?"
The Doctor considered his question for a moment, then started to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter. He Never misses a season."
One day he set off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came uppon a very large beaver at the waters edge.
He realized he had left his gun at home, and knowing he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. He raised his cane as it were his rifle and said, "Bang, Bang!"
Miraculously two shots rang out!! And the beaver fell over dead!
"Now, What do you think of that?" asked the Doctor.
"Well", the 86 year old says, "Logic would suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver!"
The Doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Jimi X
441 Victor
re-entry
Posts: 191
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JOKES!
Nov 30, 2008 13:07:47 GMT -5
Post by Jimi X on Nov 30, 2008 13:07:47 GMT -5
Just for the Ozzies and Kiwies:
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint. When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey koala!, What are you doing?"
The koala said, "I'm smoking a joint,..Come up and have some."
The little lizard climbed up, sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few tokes.
After a while the little lizard said his mouth was awful dry and he was going to the river for a drink.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A nearby croc sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him back to the bank. The croc says, "What is the matter with you? You are too sure footed to just fall into the river?"
The little lizard explained to the croc that he had been sitting in a gum tree with a koala smoking a joint and had got so stoned he fell into the river.
The croc said he had to check this out, so he walked into the rain forest, found the tree with the koala in it, looked up and said,
"Hey You!"
The koala exhaled slowly, looked down and said,
"SHIIIIT Dude!!!, How much water did you drink?"
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haggis95
Gold Star
I ain't no stinkin' moderator!
Ride on!
Posts: 991
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JOKES!
Dec 1, 2008 18:36:21 GMT -5
Post by haggis95 on Dec 1, 2008 18:36:21 GMT -5
"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – Tom Stade
"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly – just one big square that reads: Go To Jail" – Des Clarke
"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" – Rick Shapiro
"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – Stephen Brown
"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx
"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" – Ian Stone
"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" – Wilson Dixon
"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes his out in public" – Andrew Lawrence
"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" – Joan Rivers, on celebrities
"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" – Joanna Neary
"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" – Steve Williams
"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall
"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne
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haggis95
Gold Star
I ain't no stinkin' moderator!
Ride on!
Posts: 991
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JOKES!
Dec 1, 2008 18:37:36 GMT -5
Post by haggis95 on Dec 1, 2008 18:37:36 GMT -5
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that Aussie ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Dec 1, 2008 21:58:08 GMT -5
Post by UraniumC on Dec 1, 2008 21:58:08 GMT -5
great stuff Haggis...
just sent that to a couple of my airline pilot pals. ;D
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Lake
Manx
Posts: 1,905
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JOKES!
Dec 5, 2008 10:26:36 GMT -5
Post by Lake on Dec 5, 2008 10:26:36 GMT -5
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